Eavesdropping on a conversation between a candidate and a campaign strategist… Or … Skeletons Shmeletons!

Please, don’t even think that the following doesn’t apply equally to both candidates or any other politician for that matter. And please forgive me my cynicism…

Campaign Strategist (CS):
Mr/Ms. Candidate, we need the support of Group X, so you gotta promise them Y.

Candidate:
But I don’t believe in Y. And I promised Group A that I’d never do Y!

CS:
That’s okay, trust me; you can still promise Group A that you won’t do Y, while promising Group X that will do Y.   And did I hear you say you believe in something?

Candidate:
But won’t Group A abandon me when they hear me promising Group X that I will do Y.


CS:
Nope, they’ll think that you have to promise Y to Group A to get their vote, while believing that you really won’t do Y, just like you promised them originally. Plus, you’ll remind them of that before November.

Candidate:
But won’t Group A abandon me when they hear me reminding Group X that I am going to do Y, after I promised them that I wouldn’t?

CS:
Nope, they’ll think that you have to promise Group X that you will do Y, but that you really have no intention of doing it.

Candidate:
Okay, so the plan is to promise Group X that I will do Y, even though I have no intention of doing Y.

I can totally do that!


CS:
Awesome! That’s why you’re our candidate. Now, there are a bunch of other groups that want Y, and other stuff too. And the ones that don’t want Y generally want Z. So you can still promise Z to the groups that don’t want Y.

Candidate:
Yeah, but I know that the groups that want Y generally don’t want Z. And I know of a bunch of other groups that don’t want Z either. Hell, I know of a bunch of groups that don’t want Y or Z. And all of the groups want a bunch of other stuff too.

Don’t you think that if we take this too far I’ll lose credibility with at least some voters?

CS:
Actually no. What we’ve learned over the years is that folks want so badly to believe the politician who promises them what they want, that they become completely oblivious to any conflicting information. Each group will literally believe that you’re telling them the truth and lying to the others. It’s crazy, I know, but it’s so true!

Candidate:
So, after I’m elected then I can do what I believe should be done?

CS:
Well, no, you gotta win twice, remember?

And there you go with that believe stuff again! Who you trying to kid?

Candidate:
So you mean, even while in office, I’m going to continue to lie to everybody, and you think I’ll get away with that?

CS:
Yes, once you’re in office it won’t be so public. Then we can work behind the scenes and strike enough little deals to keep each group relatively happy. And, believe me, they’ll all totally buy into it — thinking that we’re being cagey on their behalf for the first four years. They’ll expect to collect their spoils during your second term, thinking you’ve nothing to lose since there’ll be no reelection — so they’ll kill themselves to get you your final term.

Candidate:
Okay… So I’ll play the game for the first four years, then — since I don’t have to worry about reelection — I’ll get some things done during my second term.


CS:
HELL NO! Are you kidding me?!? Who do you think you are?!? Those last four years are crucial to our cause! We’ll need the support of all of those groups for the party’s next candidate.

Candidate:
Okay, I get it! And forgive me, I just have this habit of promising people that I’ll get things done, even though I never do…

Oh,and what about all of my skeletons? I think the other side knows something…

CS:
Skeletons shmeletons! You just keep promising everybody exactly what they want and nobody’ll give a rip about your past indiscretions.

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